Chronic Comfort

Recently, I had the privilege of being interviewed by Kimberly Rae, author of Sick and Tired: Welcome to the Unhealthy Club.

For those of you who have just recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness or have lived with its longevity for several years, I'm posting excerpts from this interview below.

I pray you will be encouraged.

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What kind of health condition do you have?

I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2003.

What was your first emotional reaction to finding out 
you had chronic health problems?

I did the backward of normal.  It completely changed my life, living situation, work, everything.  But I was completely at peace--I think because so many people were praying me through it. The symptoms gradually worsened, but the initial diagnosis was easier to bear and accept.

I then transitioned into crying a lot, which was not normal for me. The times I would cry most were when I saw wheelchairs or walkers or people running or doing something with their legs I thought I’d never be able to do again.
 
A few years ago, I went through a very dark time where for months, I wrestled with doubts about God, whether this strong faith (HE had given!) was just a waste; wondering if He had forgotten about me after all; that maybe He isn’t so good because it seems He takes us through one hard thing simply to get us ready for a harder thing.  It was a horrible, dark, terrible time! But while I was crying out to Him, I felt Him holding onto me, even though I had anger and questions in my heart as He was doing it.
 
The “emotional reactions” have been a transition from acceptance-crying-questioning-acceptance. Now, it’s kind of a combination of all of the above – which, I would say, is probably a point where most people with chronic illness finally end up. . .but one that isn’t necessarily a bad place to be.
 
We don’t ignore that it’s hard at times and painful at times, and we have needs we never thought we’d have.  But, at the same time (even while we’re crying), we’re accepting it, because the Lord has allowed us to realize the value of all we’ve had to go through. If we don’t realize the value in it yet, we are at least holding on to what we know about Him – which is really the only way we will ever accept the hard things He allows.

What is your best therapy?

Reading a good biography.

Shortly after my diagnosis, two very godly, older women gave or loaned me books that literally changed my life. When I would read others' life stories, they were the “counselors” I either didn’t have or wouldn’t listen to.  The Lord used these biographies in a major way.

The reason I still find it to be good therapy is because I feel the worst when I’m focused on my circumstances – what I don’t like or can’t change. But when I read a biography, I’m immersed in someone else's life.  I can see the “big picture” of their life, and I’m able to watch what the Lord was doing in the everyday hard and happy things, and see the end of their story. It reminds me that my God can also see the big picture of my life, and that today is very fleeting but also important in that big picture.

I found out early on that it’s imperative to my health that I’m not just resting my body but my spirit. For me, a good biography helps me do that.

How do you deal with the identity crisis that having 

a chronic illness often involves?

It’s undeniable that a chronic illness changes pretty much everything about you. Much of what was most important about who I was or what I was doing in my life drastically changed. But, thankfully, the Lord drew me to the Scriptures, and I began to study who I really am in Christ--what that really means and looks like.  That we are each a re-creation, a workmanship, a person with the indwelling presence of Christ in the setting where He has placed each of us.
  
Our truest identity is not found in having a disease, working for such-and-such a company, being a mom, or being single.  If any of those things changed (just like being diagnosed with MS completely changed my life), it doesn’t really change ME, because of who I most deeply, really am.

I like what C.S. Lewis said in Mere Christianity: “The more we get what we now call ‘ourselves’ out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become. There is so much of Him that millions of millions of ‘little Christs’ all different will still be too few to express Him fully.”

Illness is just our platform for displaying the life of Christ to those around us. It’s not who we most deeply are.

How do you deal with the hurt that comes 

when people either don’t know what to say or don’t say anything at all?

It was a comfort to know that the very godly Amy Carmichael struggled with the same hurt. But the Lord showed her this comfort that she repeated to herself often: “Let it be. Think on Me.” She found that our peace doesn’t have to depend on the words of others.

It’s when I’ve longed for others to comfort and been disappointed that I’ve found the Lord to truly be the “God of ALL comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3). 

Did you ever struggle with the question of whether God was punishing you 

for something by allowing this disease into your life?

Absolutely. Until I realized that this questioning was my poor understanding of the gospel. If I were being punished, Christ’s death was in vain. He was “bruised for our iniquities. . . and with his stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5). God has used these years to correct (discipline) me because of His great love for me (Hebrews 12:6).
 
Many times, my limitations have been reminders to me that I can’t do life in my own strength.  Like Jacob’s thigh he limped on the rest of his life, it’s a constant reminder to me that I’m weaker than I am willing to admit . . . in many areas of my life.  My default is to try to trust myself.  My health needs keep me mindful that I need Someone Else.

The Lord uses different kinds of “training” for each of us. But that training should never be misunderstood as punishment. ALL of God’s wrath was satisfied in the death of His Son. If we are in Christ, there is no more punishment left for you or for me.

What verse has helped you most regarding your condition?

Psalm 18:30 has been my comfort since the very beginning: “As for God, His way is perfect.”

I find I’m most at peace with my condition when I choose to believe that all He has allowed is just as He says it is: Perfect.

What advice would you share to someone 

who just found out they had a lifelong condition?

NEVER entertain the idea that God has forgotten you.  There will be times when it feels like it, but He has promised many times that He never does, and He actually can’t. It would go against His character.

Darkness is just the shadow of His presence (Psalm 23:4). 

And silence means He’s resting in His love for you (Zephaniah 3:17).